


Heart of Life

by louistomlinsons



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-12-31
Updated: 2012-12-31
Packaged: 2017-11-23 03:30:36
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,282
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/617584
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/louistomlinsons/pseuds/louistomlinsons
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Niall is trapped in his own mind and Zayn doesn’t know how to cope with it.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Heart of Life

~ _when you’re dreaming with a broken heart, waking up is the hardest part_ ~

Zayn starts every morning by rolling off the couch and shivering when his feet hit the cold floor. He’s learned to keep a pair of socks by the couch so he can easily slip them on every morning. Sometimes the socks are missing though, and those are often the worst mornings.

Those are the mornings where he knows he’s in for a rough day. Those are the mornings where he starts the day off with a wild goose chase. They’re as normal and frequent as the mornings where the socks are still rolled up and placed on the coffee table.

So it doesn’t come as a shock to Zayn when the socks are missing in the morning. He wakes up as he does everyday, rolling off the couch and shivering from the cold. He reaches for the socks that aren’t there. Zayn could almost weep with exhaustion. He wanted to start back up from holidays on a good note. But the universe hates him so obviously that couldn’t happen.

Zayn waddles to his room slowly, reluctant to start this morning’s adventures. He knows he has to get moving soon or he’ll be late to work. While being late is something that happens frequently (everyone understands), he’d rather not pick up from holidays with a tardiness under his belt.

After he’s finished getting ready, Zayn pulls on a coat and forces himself out the door. When he exits the apartment building, the wind is biting, like it’s screaming at Zayn (Zayn thinks he spends too much time with his boyfriend.)

He walks and walks and walks. He smiles at the people who shoot him sympathetic glances. It breaks his heart that everyone knows about his life; they probably think they know it better than he does. That could be true because Zayn’s not sure what he’s doing any more.

Zayn reaches the park quickly, having gone through this routine so many times that he knows the shortcuts and the people he’ll run into along the way.

He spots Zayn immediately, walking leisurely over to where the raven haired boy stands waiting patiently.

“I defeated the dragons,” Niall says quietly as they begin their walk back to their apartment.

“I’m proud of you,” is all Zayn says as he accepts the socks Niall hands to him wordlessly.

\- - -

Zayn enters the classroom and there is not a sound to be heard. His class had picked up early on that the days when Mr. Malik was late were not good days. They were on their best behavior on those days, doing every task they were assigned without complaint. It was a silent agreement that they would not approach their teacher when he was late unless absolutely necessary.

And when class was over, every student would utter an almost silent, “I wish you well,” before scurrying to their next class.

\- - -

Niall’s favorite place is the coffee shoppe on the corner of the street where their apartment sits. The old run-down shoppe was second to only the park he traveled to on bad days. 

Zayn met Niall there every day at exactly four o’ clock. The bell never failed to chime as the clock struck four, a result of Zayn walking through the door. The doctors said routine would be good for Niall’s health.

Zayn sits down in the chair he sits in everyday, at the same table by the window Niall sits in everyday. Niall has already ordered their drinks (the same ones as everyday) and Zayn takes a sip of his, throwing a tense smile in Niall’s direction.

“You work too hard,” Niall observes. “Even all the make up you pile onto your face every morning can’t cover the bags under your eyes.”

“You know that’s not why I’m so tired,” Zayn comments casually, taking another sip of his scalding drink that burns his tongue and inner cheeks.

Niall’s blue eyes that have been dulled over the years shine with guilt. “I know, but I like to pretend.” Niall finishes off his drink and shoves the Styrofoam cup into the bag he always carries.

“I’ve noticed.”

“Sorry for ruining your first day back,” Niall apologizes sincerely, a little regret in his voice for all the days he’ll ruin in the future. In the bleak lighting of the going out of business coffee shoppe, Zayn can pretend that Niall’s eyes dance with happiness again.

“It’s okay.”

“Except it’s not. Not really.” Niall stands to leave and the illusion Zayn had created is broken; Niall’s eyes are dead. The blonde swings his bag over his shoulder, whatever he’s stuffed in there for the day making a ‘clunking’ noise. Zayn stands as well, his chair scraping too loud in the quiet shoppe. He didn’t finish his drinks, but he’s ready to go home.

“I know, but I like to pretend too.”

\- - -

They walk back to their apartment hand in hand, not speaking. As soon as they cross through the doorway into the apartment, Niall is on Zayn, pressing kisses along his boyfriend’s throat and taking and taking and taking too much and never giving enough in return. Zayn presses him into the mattress and makes love to him. As soon as Niall slips into sleep, Zayn is stealing a pair of socks and going to the living room to sleep on the couch that’s molded to his form. He knows from past experience how Niall will react if he wakes up and discovers Zayn next to him.

\- - -

Zayn wakes up oddly refreshed for once and almost ready to take on the day ahead. He rolls off the couch, letting out the same involuntary shiver he does every morning. He finds the pair of socks he’d left out the night before waiting exactly where he’d left them and allows a brief smile to dance on his lips. It’s shaping up to be one of his good days.

He goes to wake Niall up, knowing that if the socks are still there, the blonde is still tucked safely in bed.

Zayn quietly enters the room, the atmosphere feeling different. Not bad, but different. He notices Niall wearing one of his old worn out band tee’s and thinks, well, that’s different.

He gently shakes the blonde awake, planting light kisses onto his forehead and cheeks until he wakes up.

“Rise and shine,” Zayn whispers into Niall’s ear, breath tickling his cold neck and disturbing the baby hairs curling around the shell of his ear. 

“Fuck off.” Niall rolls over and pulls his pillow over his head. Zayn straddles Niall’s lower body, his upturned hipbone digging into Zayn’s smooth skin.

Zayn lightly runs his fingers up Niall’s sides, adding pressure when he reaches the blonde’s ribs, tickling him until he’s ready to pee the bed. 

“Will you come to school with me today?” Zayn asks tentatively. He watches as Niall’s face changes from passionate and full of love to curious.

“Won’t I scare your kids?” They’re not Zayn’s actual kids, but he loves them so much they might as well be.

“No.”

“Okay, then,” Niall agrees easily, because that’s just how Niall is; easy going and ready to flow with the current.

\- - -

Zayn and Niall sit at Zayn’s desk, Niall seated firmly on Zayn’s lap. They’re sitting silently, waiting for the bell to ring, waiting for Zayn’s first class, and waiting for the reaction they’ll receive.

“Nervous?” Zayn asks quietly, voice low and soothing.

“A little.”

“I’m glad you’re staying with me today,” Zayn whispers, voicing getting softer with each word. 

Niall takes in the double meaning of his boyfriend’s statement. “I like the days where I get to stay with you.” The bell rings in the middle of his thoughts and students begin piling in, but Niall finds it easiest just to ignore them. “You’re not rude like the princess. All she does is yell and tell me that I’m useless.”

The kids try not to stare but Zayn can see their curious eyes. He doesn’t blame them. He’d stare too if someone like Niall was sat on his teacher’s lap.

“I try to be nice to you, always,” Zayn says honestly. “I love you.”

“You are nice, most of the time,” Niall agrees. “I think you’re the most patient person I’ve ever met. It can’t be easy being in love with me, or even knowing me. I appreciate it.” He pauses, shooting a wary glance to the students sitting at their desks, watching the two men carefully. He decides they’re not too scary and declares, “I love you, too.”

\- - -

The day goes smoothly, the students at least making an effort not to stare as their teacher teaches and his boyfriend sits behind his desk, going through all the drawers and papers. 

After his last class, Zayn is ready to leave, go get some coffee, then head home and sleep for the rest of his life. He had been so worried that Niall was going to fall back into his mind and freak the students out, but he had been worried over nothing. Niall had enjoyed the day and told Zayn as much on their way to the coffee shoppe. 

“Your students are lovely,” Niall praises. 

“I think they liked you.”

“It was a nice reward for having a good day,” Niall thinks out loud. “Though it was an effort to stay in control and not go to Arker.” Arker is what he called the reality he had made up in mind, one that to others seems crazy, but so realistic to him that it drives him insane. 

“How about, every time you have a good day, you can come to school with me,” Zayn proposes. 

“Okay.” And there Niall goes again, agreeing and being easy to love. It pulls at Zayn’s heart strings and helps him feel like all this pain is worth it. 

\- - -

Zayn wakes up in the morning and realizes, wait, it’s not morning. The room is still dark and he can barely make out his hand in front of his face, his waving fingers only shadows that are barely visible. 

“Zayn?” asks a familiar voice timidly. Yet another thing that’s new with Niall. Zayn can’t tell if it’s progress or if he’s reverting back into himself. 

“Yeah, bud?” Zayn replies groggily. 

“Will you sleep with me in the bed? The monsters are chasing after me and I always feel better when you’re around.”

So Zayn crawls into bed with the blonde and doesn’t think of the consequences because Niall makes him careless. 

\- - -

And it’s a bad day. Zayn can tell that by the smacks Niall leaves on his skin, turning his body purple and black and all colors of a dark sort of rainbow. There are red hand prints and already forming bruises and be aches, not only physically but emotionally as well. Niall had been doing so well these past few days and now everything is ruined. 

“You filthy monster!” Niall yells, waving his arms frantically, kicking his legs swiftly. Zayn fights back weakly, but knows in the back of his mind that he deserves this for being so stupid. “Who are you?! Who sent you?!”

It’s the same things now that Niall yells that he yelled earlier in their relationship when they first started sharing a bed, when Zayn had first learned of what was going on in Niall’s brain. 

“I’m sorry!” Zayn apologizes, over and over again. Each ‘sorry’ is another cut on his heart, scarring him and leaving him raw. “I’ll never bother you again! I’m sorry!”

Niall pauses in his aggression for a moment, Zayn’s voice making him remember what he tries to forget when he disappears into his mind. “Please, leave,” Niall pleads. “I don’t want to see you again. You make me feel things that I don’t want to feel.”

And Zayn is gone, having packed his bags as going as Niall had told him too. He thought he had gotten everything but it turns out he left his heart behind. 

\- - -

“Are you skipping school today?” Niall asks, coming to sit on the swing next to the one Zayn’s on. 

“I called. They understood.”

“Do you understand?” Niall asks, back to the boy who can handle his emotions and human contact. 

“Not really.”

“Why do you come back for me?” Niall pushes himself on the swing, barely a back and forth motion. 

“Because I love you,” Zayn answers honestly. The response comes to him naturally and he doesn’t have to think about it. 

“I love you, too.” Niall stares at the ground, at his feet planted firmly. “If my feet are on the ground, why is my head in the clouds?”

“Because you’re special.”

“Is that a good thing?” 

“It can be.” Zayn stands up from his swing, stomping on what’s left of his cigarette and extending his hand to Niall. 

Niall takes the offered hand and they begin the walk back to their apartment, at a leisurely pace. “I’m sorry for bruising your skin. I know how much you love being perfect.”

“Fuck off,” Zayn grumbles, shooting a loving smile toward Niall. “I’ll be your punching bag, I think it helps sometimes so you don’t go ape shit on other people.”

“Wow I bet this is what love feels like,” Niall deadpans. “You little shit.” He grins cheekily to show he’s only kidding, and Zayn swears he can see that twinkle in the blonde’s baby blue eyes come back, if only for a second. 

“I’ve heard before that love is quite painful,” Zayn muses and squeezes Niall’s fingers tighter. 

“But it’s worth it.”

\- - -

They spend the entire day in bed, watching horrible made for television movies. 

They’ve never been happier. 

“What kind of bird would you be, if you could be a bird?” Zayn asks during a commercial break. “I think I’d be a raven, because they’re kind of mysterious.”

Niall snorts. “That’s a given. You’re the personification of a raven.” He thinks for a moment. “I don’t think I would like to be a bird. I think they go through life too quickly, never appreciating their scenery and surroundings. I think maybe I’d like to be a turtle or a snail. Or maybe something that can either run free or take its time. Maybe a deer?”

“Pretty deep stuff, little man,” Zayn teases, throwing his head back and laughing. It’s a sound Niall doesn’t hear enough and he figures it’s because he’s so stressful and such a handful. 

“I am not little!” At Zayn’s skeptical eyebrow raises he rephrases, “I’m not little where it counts! Actually I’m bigger than you if I remember correctly.”

“I don’t think you do.” Zayn winks and Niall giggles into his boyfriend’s neck. 

“Sorry for being such a pain in the ass,” Niall mumbles, hours later and ready to fall into sleep with open arms. 

“I forgive you,” is the last thing he hears before he’s plunged into darkness that is quickly brightened with vivid colors. 

\- - -

Zayn wakes up and realizes he forgot to bring socks out with him last night, so he’ll have no way of knowing if Niall is having a good day or bad days. He prays for the good day, something he hasn’t felt like he’s needed to do in a long time. 

But when he stands up, he almost steps on Niall. 

“What the hell are you doing down there?” he asks, shocked out of his morning stupor. 

“Sleeping,” Niall answers quietly, voice cracking from the sleep still in his throat. 

“Right.” Zayn tiptoes around the blonde, taking the blanket off the back of the couch and wrapping it around his shoulders. He didn’t remember it getting this cold before. “Why?”

“I missed you.” Niall sits up now, smiling wide and looking like a young child. This time, there’s no illusion that Niall’s eyes are dancing, a joyous dance filled with laughter and happiness. 

Zayn wants to dance with Niall. 

He sets his iPod on the dock, adjusting the volume and then hitting the play button. Rita Ora’s “How We Do” blares from the speaks and Niall looks confused, though he bobs his head to the beat. 

“Dance with me?” Zayn asks, his hand waving in the air, waiting for Niall to claim it with his own. 

“Always,” Niall says, pushing himself from the ground. He ignores Zayn’s hand and instead wraps his entire self around Zayn, his legs slotting easily between the raven haired boy’s, his arms wrapping around Zayn’s waist. “I love dancing.”

So they twirl until they’re breathless and red faced, breathing heavily into the other. Niall’s breath tickles Zayn’s sweaty neck and Zayn breathes in the feeling and exhales all the bad times they’ve shared. 

“I love dancing,” Niall repeats, more to himself than anything else. 

“And I love you.”

\- - -

Zayn is late again, and he finds his students staring at the door, eyes full of worry and concern. Their eyes widen almost comically when they spot Niall enter the classroom as well, laughing at something Zayn had whispered to him. 

“Niall, it wasn’t that funny,” Zayn giggles. The students are confused. 

“It was hilarious!” the blonde exclaims, walking around Zayn’s desk and sitting in his plush office chair. He props his feet and leans back, gesturing for Zayn to get started with his teaching. 

“You’re a little shit,” Zayn says lovingly, setting his books onto his desk and squeezing Niall’s ankle. He ignores his student’s confused looks and dives straight into his lesson plan for the day, cutting out some parts and speaking fast so he can get through it all before the bell rings. 

When he’s finished with the lesson, they’re all silent and still wide eyed. “Any questions?”

One student, Louis, is daring enough to raise his hand. When Zayn nods in his direction, he visibly swallows and asks, “Why were you late?”

Zayn has the decency to look sheepish, smile playing with his lips as he thinks of the fun he’d had that morning. “Niall and I were dancing. We lost track of time. I apologize.”

“It’s okay, Mr. Malik,” Louis says, a smile lighting up his features (his eyes are a beautiful sea color, but not as beautiful as Niall’s, never as beautiful as Niall’s). “We were just worried.”

“I’m really sorry to have alarmed you,” Zayn apologizes again, going around his desk and moving Niall’s feet so he can sit on the blonde’s lap. “Well since we’re all done and have a few minutes before the bell rings, I suggest you get started on the homework I assigned.”

Niall giggles in his ear until his class shuffles out. Louis is the last to leave, stopping at the desk and whispering timidly, “I wish you well.” But he can do it with a smile on his face this time and Niall tightens his grip oh Zayn. 

Zayn nods his thanks. 

\- - -

“Do we have to go to the coffee shoppe today?” Niall asks on their way home. 

“No.”

“Then let’s go home.”

\- - -

Niall makes slow, gradual progress. He allows Zayn to sleep in the same bed as him sometimes, and only freaks out about half of the time when he wakes up. 

They’ve stopped going to the coffee shoppe and since then it’s gone out of business. Niall feels bad when he first hears the news but decides he doesn’t feel too bad because the coffee was shit anyway. Zayn can only laugh and feel full of love. 

Niall’s eyes are happy again, pools of blue water that crash in waves. Zayn feels hideous in comparison but Niall tells him that he’s beautiful every night before they drift into sleep. 

They’re happy and maybe everything will be okay. 


End file.
